Near and the Chocolate Factory
by L the Fourth
Summary: Willy Wonka with kid's from Wammy's. My first fanfic. Yay. rated for possible violence from Mello.
1. Intro

The idea for this first came to me in a dream. That's the LAST time that I eat a whole box of chocolate and drink a gallon of expired strawberry milk right before going to bed! It was confirmed when I was reading the Death Note novel for the second time and Willy Wonka (the old version) came on TV.

**Disclaimer:**_ I do __NOT__ own Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory. I do __NOT__ own a chocolate factory. I do __NOT__ own Death Note. I do __NOT__ own a death note, and even if I did, I probably would never use it._

Near and the Chocolate Factory

Nate River frowned. He could not remember where he was, or how he had gotten there. The last thing he could remember was laying down and going to sleep, so he figured that this must be a dream. The fog was so thick that he could barely see three feet in front of him. This did not overly worry him because he had had bad dreams before, and he knew that, come hell or high water, he would wake up perfectly fine in his own bed.

Then, out of the fog and the shadows, came something that had to be real. Something that simply must be, because he wanted it to be, so very, very badly.

"L!" Near announced, "But, but you're... dead!"

"Apparently I am not." The late detective replied, "You should not start a sentence with the word 'but'."

"Near," came a voice out of the fog, "We have come to haunt you."

"Don't listen to them." L warned, "Mello, stop teasing Near and get over here, you too, Matt."

"I told you that they wouldn't fall for it." Matt said, as he and Mello stepped out of the fog, "Hey, guys."

"Who is that behind you?" Near asked, referring to an indistinct figure, standing in the fog.

"Dunno. I thought that he looked sorta like you, L, but Mello's refusing to talk about it. Won't even look at him. What d'you make of it?" At that moment, the object of their conversation stepped into sight.

"B!" L gasped.

"Hello L. Long time, no see." The maniac said, "Care to introduce me?"

"Of course." L replied, "Boys, this is B. He was the second student at Wammy's. B, these are children from the fourth graduating class. Near here is actually the current L due to my unfortunate demise."

"So you finally bit the big one, eh?"

"Hey, wait!" Matt interrupted, "If N is L, then what does that make you?"

"I suggest that we all just use our names from before the Kira investigation." L replied.

"Kira?" B asked, confused.

"A serial killer who murdered criminals by causing them to have heart attacks." L explained, "He's actually the one who killed both of us, B"

"What did you do that was criminal?"

"I tried to stop him"

"I see."

"Now that we're all caught up on recent events, what's that thing?" Mello interrupted, pointing to the building appearing as the fog cleared.

"That," answered a man in a purple suit who was walked toward them, "Is my chocolate factory."

I know it's short, but it's late. There will be more tomorrow after school. I haven't slept all weekend, and I feel dead. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye.


	2. chocolate River

Sorry that I forgot to update, but the evil blue flying fish/monkeys of random stole my work ethic and ate my spleeen!!!!! Not really! I'm just a lazy b*st*rd, wait, this is rated T, so I can probably say that here without censoring. Oh well! can't change the past. Whatever happens, happens!!!

Disclaimer: If you've ever read a fanfic before (and you should have read the previous chapter of this one) you should understand this part just from the word "disclaimer"

"Who are you, and what's with the weird… wait. CHOCOLATE!!!" Mello screamed.

"Mello, do you seriously not recognize this guy?" Matt queried.

"No. Why should I? More importantly, Chocolate!!!!"

"Only because he's Willy Wonka! You mean to tell me that you, who love chocolate more than anyone, have never seen Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory?

"That old movie, nope never seen it!"

"wow" they all responded in unison

"Let's go!!!"

And so they went, past the gates, and into the factory.

When they reached the giant document, which they all have to sign, Near wanted to read it first, but Mello threatened to shoot him, so he agreed to "just sign the damned thing, already!"

They enter the first room (the one where the fat kid failed to swim)

"CHOCOLATEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Guess who? Mello started running towards the chocolate river.

Matt: "Are you sure it's chocolate. I saw another version where it was…"

Mello: (cutting Matt off) "DON'T YOU THINK THAT I KNOW CHOCOLATE WHEN I SEE IT!!!!!!!!!!!"

Matt: "Alright man, if you say so." shudders, thinking of Epic Movie

Mello jumps in the chocolate river, but luckily, he can swim, so it's not an epic FAIL.

Meanwhile, Beyond Birthday had discovered something amazing. Giant eggs, made out of chocolate, that were filled with strawberry jam. When he first cracked one open, he couldn't resist sticking his head inside. He breathed in the jam until the egg was empty, and then moved on to the next one.

When they finally got Mello out of the river, Wonka was disappointed.

"We are supposed to leave someone in this room, but since he could swim, Mello escaped my chocolate pipe."

"Might I suggest B." L answered, "He seems to have fallen asleep inside one of your eggs."

"hmm… Okay!"

The Oompa-Loompas came to carry him away, but as soon As their song started, Mello got very angry. Before long, he was shooting the poor guys!

"No Singing!" He yelled (much more manly than a scream)

As the Oompa-Loompas brought out their guns, it looked like all was over for the brave number two ( ha-ha Number two, get it?), but after a short time it looked like he was winning. Quality triumphs over quantity as the last -Loompa falls!

"Get out of my factory!" Wonka was enraged, "And take your sleepy friend with you!"

Mello carried BB out, begrudgingly, and I have to go to a doctor now to see if I have swine flu. So in case I die before I can update, Bye!


	3. update on my medical condition

I don't have swine flu, just bronchitis. I still get to stay home for two days. Yay not death!


	4. great glass Llevator

Bronchitis sucks my throat feels like shit. Candy canes are not helping, and the stupid school refuses to send the stupid $400 I won. Oh, well.

After Mello's little fiasco, L apologized profusely, and they continued on the tour. It seemed to go well until they reached the room where they saw the chocolate bar being sent be television.

After the demonstration, Matt simply said, "This is my stop." before stepping up onto the platform. The switch was thrown, and he appeared in the set.

L put him in his pocket, explaining, "Mr. Wammy will fix him later." A tiny squeak was all that could be heard of Matt's indignant response.

When the reached the geese that lay chocolate eggs, L asked simply how much it would cost to purchase one. Wonka responded that they were not for sale. L left in a huff, muttering something about professional burglars.

As at this point, N was the only one left, and as he had too little adventurous spirit to steal the fizzy lifting drink, I shall skip directly to the point inside of the glass elevator where Wonka said, "All of this is yours now."

" I don't want it." came the stoic response.

"Wait… what?"

"I have no particular need for a candy shop at the moment. I am sure that you could give it to L or Mello, and that they would be overjoyed at the matter, but I don't want it." At this, Wonka pushed Near through the glass and out into thin air.

Near, as he fell, reflected upon the wisdom of not looking a gift horse in the mouth. In the second before the certain death of his hitting the ground, he thought, "Well, this is it." before…

Waking up in his own bed, safe and sound.

The first the he said upon his awakening? It was, "That does it no more snacks right before bed."

For the record, I had everything after going up in the elevator planned from the beginning. The middle was short and undiscriptive (is that a word?) because I hadn't thought about it too much. Sorry if you think it sucks.


End file.
